It's mornings like this that remind how momhood really is a 24/7 job. I'm sick. Kaiden's sick. Skye's sick. And still, while I attempt to be nothing more than a potato on my couch, Kaiden manages to muster enough energy to battle our dog with stolen butter-knives and un-hung curtain rods. It's Groundhog Day all over again, except today I have half the strength. Thankfully, my little Skye is an easy sick-baby. She just wants to cuddle and that's about it. I don't like that she doesn't feel well but I do love our moments together...God has been doing quite a work in me and I feel like being sick is a part of His refining process. It's a call to get me to stop and be still. Lately, I can't seem to find enough hours in a day but today I'm forced to rest, pray and reflect on His Word. More than just being sick, I've been learning to view pain, suffering, and what our world would call "setbacks," in light of the bigger picture. I was just telling a friend how hard these lessons are. Let's just call it how it is -- they aren't fun. They are a reminder of how human and not in control I am. However, the discomfort that stems from these lessons show me how I am not stagnant. My walk with God has not grown stale. These moments leave me thirsty for the God who is eternal, all-powerful and in control.I recently came across a quote by the wise Charles Spurgeon:
I bear my witness that the worst days I have ever had have turned out to be my best days. And when God has seemed most cruel to me he has then been most kind. If there is anything in this world for which I would bless him more than for anything else it is for pain and affliction. I am sure that in these things the richest tenderest love has been manifested to me. Our Father's wagons rumble most heavily when they are bringing us the richest freight of the bullion of his grace. Love letters from heaven are often sent in black-edged envelopes. The cloud that is black with horror is big with mercy. Fear not the storm. It brings healing in its wings and when Jesus is with you in the vessel the tempest only hastens the ship to its desired haven.
Wow. I have to say that I am definitely not there. I've found myself in the darkest of moments and instead of praise amidst suffering, there are questions asked and demands made. I've seen in my own heart the unfruitful seed that Jesus spoke about in His parable of the Sower and whatever cloud I thought I was on left me free-falling into the harsh reality of the sinful, broken person I am.I want to be a James-woman that "counts it all joy" when I face trials. I want to have the same mindset that Charles Spurgeon spoke of. But like a man who only gains strength by discipline, hard work and even pain, I will have to endure hardships in order to grow. I don't know why Christians like myself try to craft a stress-free, sick-free, pain-free, comfortable life but once again I face the reality that I will continue to experience both up and down's so long as I am living on this fallen earth. These are things I've known but it seems as though, my capacity to handle it all has been stretched way more than I anticipated. In fact, the often mis-used verse of, "God cannot give you more than you can handle," completely went out the window when I got to a breaking point where I reached utter desperation, wondering how I could possibly handle one more thing. He gave me more than I could manage and in a state of tear-filled brokeness, that's where He met me.I tell ya what, some of my sweetest encounters with God are some of the hardest things I've been through. And I suppose that's what Mr. Spurgeon was referencing. I am a stronger person because of it all and let me just add that it's only a God-given strength.I'm not sure if any of this made sense at all but I just wanted to say to all my broken-hearted, Christian friends -- you are not alone. You are not alone in the sense that I can relate to you. In Christian circles, t's all to easy to put on a facade and not be transparent with our darker moments. The Christian walk isn't easy and there aren't always "happy" days. I can attest to that. We need to be more open so that we can bear one another's burdens! But more imporantly, you are not alone because as Psalm 34:18 states, "The Lord is close the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in Spirit." Use life's most trivial moments to find the sweet joy that can only be found in God and God alone.