Tired, Uncomfortable and Messy.

Since my last entry, I've typed and deleted several postings. I wasn't sure how to express all that is going on within my heart and mind and so my inner-workings have remained trapped in my head. Until now. It just clicked as I sent out my last e-mail and as late as it is here, I have to type while it's still fresh...I've been so busy. This magazine has consumed me. Now that the holidays are over and I'm nearing our launch date, the to-do list seems to grow exponentially. There is so much coordinating and emailing and planning and conversing.When I first set out to do this project, I told myself that I could not let it become something that overtakes my role as a Christian, wife and mom. My photography business did that to me in years past and I have no business ministering to other women if I'm not taking care of my first callings. I feel that I have done a good job of keeping my priorities straight thus far. The problem is that I have used every single moment of free time to try and lessen my to-do list. If I have a few minutes in the car, I'm e-mailing on my phone. After the kids go to bed, I'm sending out more emails. I'm mapping out the first issue. I'm typing up campaign information. I'm writing articles of incorporation and bylaws for the business side. I'm chasing down contributor contracts and agreements. I'm planning out campaign video concepts. I'm trying to find a graphic designer.I lay in bed at night and my brain is just going and going and going. And guess what? I'm so (mentally) tired. (So much so that I actually look forward to brainless activities like wiping down countertops, ha.)This past week it's all caught up to me. I see the $1,500+ in government application fees. I still don't have someone to handle the editorial design. I am normally not a worrier or an anxious person but I feel that recently I have become one.Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. -1 Peter 5:7And so, I've spent lots of time in prayer. As many times as I surrender it to Him, there is still the knowledge that things need to get done. I really struggle with the border line of walking by faith and putting feet to prayer. So I am stuck in this weird place, walking across a tight rope and hoping I don't fall.It is then that I have to remind myself: Emotions are deceiving. Circumstances are temporary. But God's love for me, His promises, His Word...all of that is eternal and should carry more weight in my life than any of the above. I'm still uncertain of the direction I should go but as Bethany Dillon's song goes, "...you can do more in my waiting than in my doing I could do." He is doing such work in my heart through this uncomfortable process.

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Lately, I've been feeling the need to be more transparent. I see many people fall into the trap of painting this beautiful picture of their life through social media. But you know what? Perfection (or appeared perfection) isn't all that beautiful in comparison to the beauty that is found in the broken, the messy, the dirty, and the weak. When we can openly admit that our life is messy, it creates the perfect opportunity to take the spotlight off ourselves and point to a God that is greater and stronger and perfect and meets us in our insufficiencies."But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about." -2 Corinthians 12:9