Revive My Wandering Heart

I must confess—there are days when my love for God feels hollow. My prayers become empty words. My neglect of Scripture reveals a heart that clings to self-reliance. (Let’s call it what it is: sinful rebellion.) My Bible sits unopened, or worse, I skim through it out of duty rather than desire. My heart feels hardened. I don’t long to seek after God or understanding—I simply want to get to what I want to do.

And then the self-interrogation comes:

"Do I love the Lord?"

"Sure. Of course."

But then Deuteronomy 6:5 comes to mind:

"You shall love Yahweh your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might.”

“Oh. Well, if that’s the standard—then no. My love has grown cold.”

These thoughts frustrate me. I get angry at myself.

“Why am I like this?”

But then I remember what Romans 3:10-12 says:

"There is none righteous, not even one; There is none who understands, There is none who seeks for God; All have turned aside, together they have become worthless; There is none who does good, There is not even one.”

That sounds more like me.

And yet—God, in His great mercy, called me out of darkness and into His marvelous light (1 Peter 2:9). Many years ago, He opened my eyes to see my need for a Savior, and I have known and can still know the joy of seeking Him. Though I still live in the flesh, I am no longer bound by it. But growth in holiness is not passive. As Gregory of Nyssa once said, “No one can be so thoughtless as to suppose that virtue grows of itself in the soul.” To neglect Scripture, prayer, or the church gathering is to enter spiritual battle with no armor, no training, and no fellow soldiers. But to be present in these things while my heart remains distant? That seems just as dangerous.

So I pray the desperate words of the father in Mark 9:24:

"Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief."

And God—faithful as He has always been—softens my heart. He draws me to Himself. His Holy Spirit illuminates His Word. My prayers shift from hurried pleas and half-hearted confessions to praise and adoration. My fight for the habit of Scripture reading becomes less of a struggle and more of a delight as I taste the life-giving bread that it is. There are days I still have to fight old habits but my desire to seek after God slowly increases, and the fruit of this pursuit becomes evident in my life.

In the end, I see it clearly: my love for Him was never something I could manufacture, sustain, or summon on my own. I love Him because He first loved me (1 John 4:19). That’s how it has always been.

And in my weaknesses, my deficiencies, and my wandering heart, He leads me back to my first Love.

Duty and discipline were never meant to be separated from love and devotion to Yahweh.

It is here I rest.