I truly gave my life over to Christ on a choir trip during my senior year of high school (read my testimony here.) God used a series of events, people and places to slowly break down the walls of my calloused heart and show me my need for a Savior. I remember feeling all sorts of emotions. There was remorse for the life I had been living. Complete gratitude knowing the cost that came/comes with forgiveness of sin. Relief...knowing that I no longer had to spend bookoo amounts of energy trying to fill myself with relationships or things. The list goes on. I was passionate about this heart change and, like all good news, I wanted to share it with the world. I went back to my private high school, changed and transformed. I'm not even sure how the opportunity came up but I ended up speaking to individual classes throughout the school. There was one teacher in particular who caught my attention while I was speaking. I began to share with the class how apathy had infected my walk with God...how although, outwardly I was doing "Christian things," inwardly my heart was a mess. In the middle of my testimony, this individual would interrupt with statements like, "Yes! Dianne had such an attitude problem," and "I was always so worried about her! haha" I remember being taken aback. I knew I had heart issues (recent ones at that) and, yes, often times I had a poor attitude that many teachers recognized but when someone is vulnerably sharing their testimony, I don't think it's appropriate nor beneficial to re-hash the past. However, it wasn't just this teacher that felt the need to share. There were so many other people that deemed it appropriate to readily tell me on multiple occasions (even long after I graduated) what fault they found in me, now that I had begun living in a place of brokeness and humility. This was several years ago. I'm definitely over it and hold no bitter feelings towards any of these individuals, but I write this as an example of something that I have found myself (and surprsingly many others) facing throughout the years.To put it bluntly, I don't need another person to remind me of the areas I struggled in -- even if it's in jest. I think my willingness to openly admit those struggles and ask forgiveness for from God, friends and family, almost made a platform for people to poke fun at me (ex: "Oh Dianne, you had such an attitude problem back then! haha") and quite honestly, it bothers me. For one, sin -- past or present -- is nothing to be laughed at or joked about. Ever. Though the issues I dealt with (self-absorption, pride, independence from God -- to name a few) may not have been what one would consider "the big sins," -- sin is sin. You would never joke with someone who struggled with say, drug abuse, would you? Secondly, how would you feel if someone continually reminded you of your past and who you were? Perhaps the reason people bring these things up is because I've been far from home for so long and it's the only memories they have of me...they haven't seen the person I've become over the years and that is understandable. But if there are unresolved feelings of bitterness then it is up to them to lay it out on the table...not bring it up repeatedly. Thirdly, if you are claiming to be changed and transformed, you are in no position to take the high ground with someone who has clearly surrenderd that area of their life at the foot of the cross. We all equally need the saving grace of God!I'm not quite sure if any of this really makes sense but I feel pressed to write about it. For a long time, I thought that being humble included listening to others spill out their stories over and over again of how they were victimized by me. But that's not humility and it's more damaging to a relationship than anything. To my Christian readers, I ask that you carefully examine your words before they leave your mouth -- specifically, when dealing with other believers and their past. I will be the first to admit that Satan has used my insecurities and past sin as a foothold in my life to take my eyes off Christ. It is something I continually work at and perhaps that is why the random comments feel like jabs to the heart. My purpose in writing all of this is to make others aware of that. I've talked to many others and I am not the only one who experiences this.To my non-Christian readers, I hope that this isn't something that makes you think, "I would never want to be a Christian." The Bible tells us not to judge but it also tells us that we will recognize a man by his fruit. While I will readily admit that Christians often struggle with being judgmental or self-righteous, let me just remind you that although we are saved by grace, as long as we live on this earth we still battle with our sinful nature. Some Christians struggle with being judgemental more than others and this is one reason why I try not to let what I wrote about bother me. We all have our weaknesses and being a Christian requires a continual effort to be solely dependent on God and His word (the Bible) to continue to work in our hearts day in and day out.If there is one thing I like about moving to new places, it is the fact that I am given a blank slate no matter where I go. I don't have people that like to remind me of who I was before Christ. Don't get me wrong, I think it's cruicial that we recognize what God saved us from, but is completely unnecessary to hold onto the past. If you have a problem with me or someone else, share it with them, resolve the issue and let it rest. This may apply to the wife who continues to bring up a past mistake her husband may have made... a parent who won't let go of something their child may have done...a friend who holds onto a past statement made. In closing, use your words carefully. This may sound corny but you can either choose to be an encouragement or discouragement. Ephesians 4:29 says, "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." The tongue is a powerful tool that can uplift or bring down. We are called to love and 1 Corinthians 13 reminds us that love holds no record of wrongdoing. You can use your speech more effectively and share with someone the opposite of their past. Tell them how much you have seen God work in their life since you last saw them.I am dumfounded with the knowledge that at the end of my life, I answer to no one except God. It is both incredibly scary and overwhelmingly beautiful at the same time. I have a Savior who has pardoned my sin and patiently works through me while I wrestle through the issues of life. I don't need to hold onto who I was without Jesus and neither should you.
