Over the years, God has slowly changed my heart. I've gone from a lost person, trying to feel accepted, valued and loved to a person whose eyes are opened to truth and can stand in confidence of who I am in Christ. I still fall back into old patterns, however. I'll use the example of photography since it is so near and dear to me. Photography brings a lot of instant gratification. It is one of the few jobs where you can actually show your final product to a LARGE number of people (thanks to social media.) So, when I go to post a photo and come back a few hours later, I may see several comments and "likes." It feels great! I love knowing that I put my heart into something and other people can affirm that. The problem with this is, I started to build my confidence in my work. It grew into this ugly being that became so a part of who I was that whenever I didn't receive the feedback I had hoped for, I immediately questioned myself and my skills.  When business would get slow, I would take it personally. (Because photography is the type of job where your product is a part of who you are and represents what's in your heart, there really was so way of separating myself and work.) Subconsciously, I knew I had an identity crisis...I found it within my work. When I discovered this, I would take my focus off of photography. However, looking back at it now, I would just place my identity in other things...like being a stay at home mom or crafting. (Note that these are all inherently good things, I had just mis-prioritized them.) It was a constant roller coaster. Up. Down. Up. Down. Eventually, I realized that (like with any career or anything else for that matter) photography was a ladder where I would never reach the top. Each shoot left me craving more. I watched myself get better and climb higher but realized that even the photographers whom I truly admire are still not satisfied with where they are and what they've accomplished.Taken from Tim Keller's book, The Freedom of Self Forgetfulness:

". . .here is an excerpt from an interview with Madonna in Vogue Magazine some time ago where she is talking about her career. This is what it says: 'My drive in life comes from a fear of being mediocre. That is always pushing me. I push past one spell of it and discover myself as a special human being but then I feel I am still mediocre and uninteresting unless I do something else. Because even though I have become somebody, I still have to prove that I am somebody. My struggle has never ended and I guess it never will.' I will tell you one thing: Madonna knows herself better than most of us know ourselves.Every time she accomplishes something, these are the kind of thoughts she has: 'now I have got the verdict that I am somebody. But the next day, I realize that unless I keep going, I am not. My ego cannot be satisfied. My sense of self, my desire for self-wroth, my need to be sure I am somebody - it is not fulfilled. I keep thinking I have won it from what people have said about me and what the magazines and newspapers have written. But the next day, I have to go and look somewhere else. Why? Because my ego is insatiable. It's a black hole. It doesn't matter how much I throw into it, the cupboard is bare. . ."

The words she spoke were the exact words I felt.All of my heart issues stemmed back to pride. It is pride that says, "Look at all that I've accomplished."  "I deserve this." "How come they have this ______ and I don't?" Pride caused me to constantly compare myself to others which resulted in insecurity, self-pity, envy, bitterness and jealously.So what is the solution? I was tired of the emotional roller coaster. I was tired of my brain racing a million miles an hour trying to keep myself busy with things that would fill me up. I could never relax! The canned response would be:

• "Quit comparing yourself to others." The problem with this? That's like telling someone trying to eat healthy but has a history of poor food choice saying, "Don't eat sweets," and then leaving it at that.
• "Look at all you've accomplished. Focus on that!" With this statement, we are essentially resolving a pride issue with more pride.
• "All that matters is how you view yourself." I am a perfectionist and so regardless of what other people think, I've never been good enough for even myself.
• "You should find your identity in Christ alone." My response? I have the head knowledge - I get that but I don't know how.

It wasn't until yesterday, I read the book I mentioned above. It was life changing for me.  I highly encourage you to read the book (it's only 3 short chapters long and can be found for free, here!) But basically, Tim Keller gives the solution. It's not new truth but he did explain it in such a way that it broke through the thick layers of my heart and revealed a deep self-centeredness that has been building inside of me for 23 years. The answer is taking yourself out of the equation. Tim Keller says,

"Gospel-humility is not needing to think about myself. Not needing to connect things with myself. It is an end to thoughts such as 'I'm in this room with these people, does that make me look good? Do I want to be here?' True gospel-humility means I stop connecting every experience, every conversation, with myself. In fact, I stop thinking about myself. The freedom of self-forgetfulness. The blessed rest that only self-forgetfulness brings. True gospel humility means an ego that is not puffed up but filled up. This is totally unique. Are we talking about high self esteem? No. So is it low self esteem? Certtainly not. It is not about self esteem. Paul (the author of 1 Corinthians of the Bible where Tim Keller's book is based off of) simply refuses to play that game. He says ' I don't care about your opinion but, I don't care that much about my opinion' - and that is the secret. A truly gospel humble person is not a self-hating person or a self-loving person, but a gospel-humble person. The truly gospel-humble person is a self-forgetful person whose ego is just like his or her toes. It just works. It does not draw attention to itself. The toes just work. The ego just works. Neither draws attention to itself.Here is one little test. The self- forgetful person would never be hurt particularly badly by criticism. It would not devastate them, it would not keep them up late, it would not bother them. Why? Because a person who is devasted by criticism is putting too much value on what other people think, on other people's opinions. The world tells the person who is thin-skinned and devastated by criticism to deal with it by saying, 'Who cares what they think? I know what I i think. Who cares what the rabble thinks? It doesn't bother me.' People are either devastated by criticism or they are not devastated by criticism because they do not listen to it. They will not listen to it or learn from it because they do not care about it. They know who they are and what they think. In other words, our only solution to low self esteem is pride. But that is no solution. Both low self-esteem and pride are horrible nuisances to our future and to everyone around us.The person who is self forgetful is the complete opposite. When someone whose ego is not puffed up but filled up gets criticism, it does not devastate them. They listen to it and see it as an opportunity to change. Sounds idealistic? The more we get to understand the gospel, the more we want to change. Friends, wouldn't you want to be a person who does not need honour - nor is afraid of it? Someone who does not lust for recognition - nor, on the other hand is frightened to death of it? Don't you want to be the kind of person who, when they see themselves in a mirror or reflected in a shop window, does not admire what they see but does not cringe either? Wouldn't you like to be the type of person who, in their imaginary life, does not sit around fantasizing about hitting self-esteem home runs, day dreaming about success that gives them the edge over others? Or perhaps you tend to beat yourself up and to be tormented by regrets. Wouldn't you like to be free of them? Wouldn't you like to be the skater who wins the silver and yet is thrilled about those three triple jumps that the gold medal winner did? To love it the way you love a sunrise? Just to love the fact that it was done? For it not to matter whether it was their success or your success. Not to care if they did it or you did it. You are as happy that they did it as if you had done it yourself - because you are just so happy to see it.You will probably say that you do not now anybody like that. but this is the possibility for you and me if we can keep going where Paul is going. I can start to enjoy things that are not about me. My work is not about me, my skating is not about me, my romance is not about me, my dating is not about me. I can actually enjoy things for what they are. They are not just for my resume. They are not just to look good on my college or job application. They are not just a way of filling up the emptiness. Wouldn't you want that? This is off our map. This is gospel humility, blessed self-forgetfulness. Not think more of myself as in modern cultures or less of myself as in traditional cultures. Simply thinking of myself less."

Sorry, that was a lot. If I could copy and paste the whole book I would but I haven't spilled all the beans. The rest of the book goes onto to talk about how to get that transformed view of self and I'll save that for you to read on your own. But getting back to what Tim Keller said.....WOW is all I can say. Our modern society does not teach this kind of humility. Our society teaches things like "every man for himself" or "do what makes you happy" or "success is what will make you happy" but this -- this is off the map! Why do you think they call it a mid-life crisis? People go to college, get an awesome degree, get the job of their dreams, get married, maybe have kids and then BAM - they have accomplished everything they've wanted, working their way up life's ladder and they realize 1) there is nothing left to chase after and 2) none of it satisfies. But this gospel-humility, this is the golden ticket to true freedom, to true joy.I look at where my heart was and I see ugly things. But the great news of self-forgetfulness teaches me that I don't have to think about who I was. Perhaps you've already discovered all of this and have been joyfully living it out or perhaps, you are like me and and didn't realize how much pride you had stored up inside. All I can say is I'm happy to have discovered an even deeper freedom in Christ. I have a better understanding of what it means to "take up your cross and die to self." I can photograph because I enjoy photograph, not for the accolade or the success. I can stop comparing myself to others and focus on the blessings I've been given. I can give up all insecurities I have and I no longer care what others think. I no longer feel the need to try and be someone I'm not. By losing myself, I can finally be myself.So where have you placed your identity? What is it that you keep running back to? If you were to a heart check, would you too find a history of self-centeredness? The solution is simple. Leave it at the cross and find freedom.Here's the link again in case you want to read the book --> http://www.wtsbooks.com/pdf_files/9781906173418.pdf